The Most Difficult Truth About Healing

One of the most difficult truths you face when you begin healing is this: you were the one keeping the unhealthy patterns alive. 

You didn’t do this because you’re weak or broken, but you did this because surviving became your home.

• The people-pleasing. 

• The overachieving. 

• The hyper-independence. 

• The overthinking. 

• The avoidance of conflict. 

• The self-abandonment.

These weren’t personality traits, they were adaptations that kept you safe in a world that wasn’t safe.

Even when you no longer need them, you still reach for them. They are familiar. They worked. And because they were tied to your environment like your family, your friendships, your relationships, they became hardwired into your reflexes.

For me, I remember how, as I continued evolving and healing, time spent with my family and even decades long friendships started to feel draining.

I would host dinners, surround myself with the same people, but even in my own home, which had become my safe haven, I often left feeling off and sometimes completely depleted.

For a while, I questioned myself. I doubted myself. “Am I the problem? What hell is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?”

That’s what happens when your inner child and your wounds are unfamiliar with healthier patterns. You begin to wonder if you’re the problem, and it pulls you into the rabbit hole of self-blame and shame.

Outgrowing your protection

Healing asks you to outgrow your protection. 

It asks you to stop negotiating your worth through suffering and to stop mistaking trauma responses for your standards. And here’s what most people don’t tell you: letting go of your survival strategies comes with grief.

It can feel like losing pieces of your identity… the caretaker, the achiever, the one who never asks for help. It can feel like losing the roles that once earned you love or belonging. And it can feel confusing to ask: If I’m not those things anymore, then who am I?

This is grief too: the grief of shedding what once saved you, the grief of letting go of the roles that defined you, and the grief of saying goodbye to the version of yourself who only knew survival.

How to work with this grief

This isn’t about erasing the old patterns overnight. It’s about slowly retraining your body and mind to believe safety exists without them. A few practices that help:

• Notice the reflex without judgment. When you catch yourself overgiving, people-pleasing, or overthinking, don’t shame yourself. Acknowledge, “This is my old wiring showing up.”

• Pause before acting. Instead of immediately saying yes, offering help, or smoothing over conflict, take a breath and give yourself permission to wait. Even a short pause creates space to choose differently.

• Redefine safety. Remind yourself that love and connection don’t require depletion. Begin collecting experiences—small but consistent—where you say no, set a boundary, or express yourself honestly and still remain safe.

• Grieve intentionally. Journal or speak out loud to the parts of you that carried those roles. Thank them for how they kept you alive. And then gently remind yourself that you no longer need them in the same way.

Remember this

Healing is not just about feeling better.

It’s about grieving who you had to be, while practicing who you’re becoming. It’s also about grieving the relationships that couldn’t meet you in that growth (romantic, friendships, and even family).

Letting go of what no longer works is part of making space for what can.

That process is slow, messy, and deeply human, but every time you refuse to abandon yourself, you step closer to living instead of surviving.

See you next Saturday ❤️

Suttida

P.S. I’ve gotten so many requests from people who want to work with me but need a simpler entry point. Because of that, I’ve created a one-time Clarity Session. Due to overwhelming interest, I’m capping this at 12 people to make sure I can give each person the quality they deserve. Reserve your session →