When Someone Fades, Read the Silence and Stop Chasing

When someone pursues you hard and then pulls back without explanation, it doesn't feel like a normal breakup.

It feels like whiplash.

One day they're all in… texting constantly, making plans, showing up with the kind of intensity that makes you think "okay, this is real." And then they fade like they were on a timer you didn't know about.

Here's the part that messes you up: your brain immediately tries to solve it.

You start replaying conversations, analyzing their tone, and checking timestamps. Suddenly you're building a case for why this person is still worth your energy, even though they've already shown you they're not showing up.

This is your nervous system recognizing a pattern it knows too well. So if you grew up having to earn attention or affection, inconsistency doesn't feel foreign. It feels familiar. Your body leans into it. What you think is chemistry is often just old wiring getting triggered. You're not falling in love, you're getting activated.

The hardest part isn't that they pulled away. It's what you do to yourself when they do. You start overcompensating by giving more, being easier, and shrinking your needs so you can fit into whatever small space they're offering.

You turn their withdrawal into a problem you need to solve, when the truth is simpler: they're showing you they can't do this, and you're refusing to believe them.

Some people are great at the beginning. They love the rush, the newness, the feeling of winning you over. But the second it shifts from excitement to actual connection—the part that requires steadiness, honesty, showing up when it's boring—they're out.

They’ve just shown you their capacity… and the important thing to know is that you cannot stretch it for them. You can't be more patient, more understanding, more "chill" and make them suddenly capable of consistency. 

🎙️Stop Chasing People Who Aren’t Choosing You

In this week’s episode, I talk about why people withdraw right when things start getting real, and why your job isn’t to chase them… it’s to stop abandoning yourself trying to earn consistency.

Listen here 🎧

The thing people get wrong about closure is thinking it comes from a conversation. Like if you could just sit them down and get them to explain themselves, you'd finally understand and be able to move on.

Even if they gave you that conversation, you wouldn't believe them. You'd just find something new to decode. Real closure is deciding their behavior is all the explanation you need. Silence is communication, distance is a choice, and inconsistency is an answer.

Your job isn't to figure out why they can't show up. It's to stop waiting around for them to try.

Love that's actually meant for you won't make you feel like a detective or a performer constantly auditioning for attention. Being chosen should feel calm and steady.

If it doesn't feel like that, you have to stop forcing your presence into someone’s absence. That’s your old wounds trying to convince you that hard-won attention is the same thing as real connection.

And you already know that that’s not the way.  So let them fade. Don't chase the distance they created. Don't shrink yourself to fit into their limited capacity.

See you next Saturday ❤️

Suttida

P.S. If this hit home, my 4-week workbook will walk you through the healing work needed to break your unhealthy patterns. Grab it here.