Why Do You Keep Chasing Inconsistent Love?

I've been thinking about the people we hold onto even when they only show up in glimpses… 

Someone who goes deep with you one night and ghosts for the next three weeks. Partners who say something so honest it cracks you open and then retreat into surface-level energy for a month. Family members who are fully present at one dinner and emotionally unavailable at the next ten.

You tell yourself that those rare moments are who they really are. That underneath the inconsistency is the version you fell for, and you just have to be patient enough for it to surface again. So, you hold onto the highlight reel and call it a relationship.

I've done this too… I've spent years collecting good moments from people and stitching them together into a story I wanted to be true. And the story always fell apart in the same place: the gap between who I wanted them to be and who they actually were.

There is a certain kind of exhaustion that comes from constantly translating someone's behavior. You're always reading between lines, finding meaning in small gestures, building theories about why this week was distant and last week was close.

That mental labor adds up. It takes a toll you don't always notice until you finally step back and realize how much of your inner life has been spent decoding someone else's. The conversations you've replayed, texts you've analyzed, and the clarity you've blurred just to keep believing that what's happening is what you wanted.

Real connection doesn't require all that work. The people who are genuinely in it with you don't leave you guessing. Their care is something you can rest in, something that doesn't need interpretation.

What makes this so hard is that the depth was real. Those moments weren't fake. The closeness wasn't manufactured. When this person showed up, they actually showed up. And because that part was genuine, it's tempting to think the absence must be the lie. The warmth must be who they are, and the distance must be temporary.

I've been there, and what I learned is that people show you who they are through what they do most often, not what they do at their best. The pattern is the truth, and the exceptions are just exceptions.

🎙️Why Are You Building Meaning Off Breadcrumbs?

This week on the podcast, I'm sitting with the question of why we accept so little from the people we love most. I talk about where this tolerance comes from, what those rare deep moments actually mean, and why letting go of someone who's only half-there is one of the hardest things to do.

Give it a listen 🎧

The Deeper Truth

Staying in those situations was never just about them. It was about what you’d learned to accept. Somewhere along the way you picked up the belief that almost was close enough. That a love that came and went was still love. That someone showing up halfway was better than no one showing up at all.

That belief didn't come from nowhere. It came from the version of love you saw modeled long before you had any say in what you were absorbing. By the time you were old enough to choose, you were already drawn to dynamics that mirrored what felt familiar, even when familiar meant inconsistent.

You’re not alone in that. I think a lot of us are walking around with definitions of love that were written before we had any language for what was happening to us. And we keep recreating those definitions in our adult relationships, not because they feel good but because they feel like home.

So, what would it look like to want something simpler? The kind of love that doesn't make your chest tight, the kind of friendship where you don't have to wonder where you stand, the kind of presence that shows up on ordinary days too.

There's no urgency, no anxious wondering, no rush of finally being seen after weeks of feeling invisible.

That's what you actually deserve. And the longer you sit with that, the less willing you will be to keep building meaning out of someone's best moments while ignoring everything in between.

See you next Saturday ❤️

Suttida

P.S. If you're ready to do this work for real, my 4-week digital workbook will walk you through it. Grab your copy here.