Why Reciprocity Matters in Every Healthy Relationship

One of the deepest lessons in healing isn’t just about what happens in solitude. It’s about the relationships that shape your life, especially the ones where mutual effort, care, and support exist.

The quality of your relationships makes up the quality of your life. And it’s not just about saying “I love you” or hearing it back. It’s about the day-to-day exchanges that span across romance, friendship, family, and even work.

One word comes to mind: reciprocity. 

How we give, how we receive, and how we learn to meet others without losing ourselves. 

More importantly, love is a verb. And in order for any relationship to thrive, it must flow both ways.

For the longest time, I was the one who over-gave. That single truth is the understatement of my entire healing journey.

In friendships. In family. In business. I poured until I was empty because somewhere in my body, I believed that’s what love and belonging required.

Childhood taught me that my value was tied to usefulness, to meeting needs before anyone even had to name them. My nervous system learned to scan for what others lacked and to fill it, even when it meant abandoning myself.

And I wore that self-sacrificial exhaustion like a badge of honor because it got me the praise, validation, love, and support I so badly wanted and needed for a fleeting moment. 

This was my internal dialogue anytime I received conditional love for my unconditional efforts:

• “If I just give more, they won’t leave.”

• “If I anticipate their needs, maybe I’ll finally be enough.”

• “If I stay useful, I’ll stay loved.”

I get it, on paper, the answer seems simple: set boundaries. 

However, boundaries can still mess with your emotions and your body. You can tell yourself a hundred times, “Don’t overgive.” But the wiring doesn’t flip overnight. The nervous system doesn’t speak logic. It speaks safety. And if safety was once tied to overextending, your body will keep reaching for that reflex long after your mind knows better.

I had to emotionally condition myself over and over again. And guess what? I’m still doing that. I’m not fully healed from this wiring. It also pisses me off from time to time too. Like why can’t I just get this out of my system?!

What relational reciprocity really means

• It’s not about keeping score. It’s about the felt sense of being met, of not carrying the weight alone.

• It’s not about perfect balance in every moment. It’s about the willingness of both people to return what’s given in a way that sustains connection.

• It’s not just romantic because it shows up in friendships, in family dynamics, with coworkers… basically in any space where you share energy.

• It’s not “I give so you owe me.” It’s “We both show up so no one has to disappear.”

Why over-giving takes root

• Childhood trauma teaches you that love is conditional. You learn to perform, to please, to keep the peace at your own expense.

• The nervous system equates over-giving with survival. It feels dangerous to stop, because withholding what once kept you safe can trigger panic or shame.

• Societal reinforcement praises selflessness, especially for women. You’re celebrated for sacrificing, but rarely for honoring your limits.

A reframe for reciprocity in healing

Boundaries matter, but they are not the whole story. 

Reciprocity in healing means working with your nervous system, not against it. It means letting your body learn what it feels like to stop giving before depletion and to still remain safe, still remain loved, still remain enough.

• Sometimes that looks like sitting with the discomfort of saying no. 

• Sometimes it looks like noticing the urge to fix or offer and practicing stillness instead. 

• Sometimes it means grieving the relationships that only worked when you disappeared.

You’re not just making a single decision, but more so tiny decisions that will stack. Then retrain the way your mind and body work.

It’s a slow recalibration, which can be difficult for many who want instant cures.  But know that every time you choose not to abandon yourself, you teach your nervous system a new truth: love doesn’t have to cost you everything.

See you next Saturday. ❤️

Suttida