Why We Stay in Unbalanced Dynamics

You cannot thrive in connections where your care goes unreturned.

Let me paint a clearer picture: I grew up in an immigrant household. I’m second generation, and my parents chose to continue with the harsh Asian cultural upbringing. They weren’t equipped to heal from their own wounds, so of course those wounds were handed to me.

I turned much of my pain into comedy. I was the funny one. I also knew that if I was useful, I’d get praise, so I added that to the mix.

Then I became the strong one… the one who gave and performed, suppressing my feelings as long as it kept the peace.

I did everything I possibly could to make my parents proud and happy:

• I got the Bachelor’s.

• I got the MBA.

• I climbed the corporate ladder.

• I started a business and grew it to seven figures on my own.

• I even bought my mom a car, covered her health insurance, car insurance, annual registrations, gas, meals, and gave her spending money.

I wanted to be enough. I wanted to feel loved and validated. I wanted what every child wants to hear their parents say, “I’m so proud of you.”

But as I began healing, I realized that was never my responsibility. I was bleeding myself dry. And after all the overgiving, I’d always end up back at conditional love because I hadn’t done anything for them “lately.”

I vividly remember buying my mom a brand new car. Shortly after she cried and said thank you, she followed it with: “Did they not have an SUV?” That broke me.

During my parents’ divorce in 2019—long overdue after 36 years of a domestically violent relationship—I had just given birth to my son and was recovering from my C-section. I got a text from my sister saying I needed to Venmo her half the cost for 1-800-Junk to clear my parents’ house so they could sell it. Crushed yet again.

This is what overgiving looks like. This is what unbalanced dynamics create.

Healing is a shift from “why can’t they?” to “they can’t, and they won’t.”

The trap of breadcrumbs

When someone bread-crumbing you finally gives you a little time or attention, your brain lights up: “See? I am different. I’m special.” That hit can feel intoxicating, but it’s also a trap.

It’s the same game you played as a child when you were minimized, left out, or dismissed. You’re replaying the wound, hoping the outcome will finally change. 

But it won’t. You’ll keep attracting the same individuals dressed in new costumes, each one holding the same withheld approval you’re still trying to win.

This isn’t even about them. It’s about you. Your wiring is set up to keep you in the familiar, even when the familiar is unhealthy. 

That push-pull dynamic keeps your nervous system activated, because it recognizes the chaos and confuses it for chemistry.

Unavailable people keep you locked into old roles: the easy one, the quiet one, the sacrificial giver.

Flipping the script

Healing asks you to stop chasing validation in places it was never meant to live.

Stop asking: “Why won’t they choose me?”
Start asking: “Why do I keep choosing them?”

Every time the thrill hits, name it for what it is: the thrill of scarcity, not the depth of connection.

And then, give yourself what you’ve been waiting for: show up authentically without hiding behind a mask. Stop auditioning. Stop shrinking for people who only tolerate you. Stop outsourcing your worth.

You are not attracting emotionally unavailable people because you are unworthy. You are attracting them because there’s a childhood wound in you still trying to win an unwinnable game.

The power of approval and validation lives within you. Give it to yourself first and watch how every relationship shifts.

See you next Saturday ❤️

Suttida

P.S. I only have 2 spots left for next month’s 1:1 deep work. If you’re ready to take your healing beyond reflection and into actionable growth, fill out the application to get started.