Why Working Harder Doesn’t Make Someone Choose You

There’s a moment in many relationships where something shifts, even if nothing is said out loud. Responses take longer. Energy feels thinner. Presence becomes inconsistent. And for a lot of people, that subtle distance triggers an old reflex.

Instead of pausing, the push begins. Availability expands. Emotional labor increases. Explanations get longer. Generosity stretches past capacity. Patience turns into self-erasure.

On the surface, it looks like care. Underneath, it’s fear.

Over-functioning is what happens when connection starts to feel uncertain and the nervous system doesn’t trust that simply existing is enough. So it tries to secure closeness the only way it knows how: by proving value.

This pattern rarely starts in adulthood. It’s usually inherited from early environments where love felt conditional or unpredictable. In those spaces, effort became the bridge to safety…

• Usefulness became a way to reduce conflict.

• Accommodation felt like the safest path to closeness.

• Being needed created the illusion of protection.

That logic made sense once. It doesn’t mean it’s telling the truth now.

When distance appears in the present, the body often reacts as if abandonment is imminent. Panic follows. The urge to fix kicks in. Attention shifts away from reality and toward strategy. How can I show them more? How can I be better? How can I make this undeniable?

But here’s the hard truth most people don’t want to face: effort doesn’t create choice. It only exposes imbalance.

Presence doesn’t need persuasion. Capacity doesn’t ask for performance. And uncertainty doesn’t resolve itself just because you worked yourself into exhaustion trying to earn clarity.

Working harder doesn’t make someone choose you. It just makes it easier for them to receive without reciprocating.

What keeps this cycle alive is the belief that proximity equals intimacy. That access equals importance, and that emotional availability on your side must mean something on theirs. But closeness without reciprocity isn’t connection. It’s convenience.

Real connection has weight. It carries follow-through. It shows up in consistency, not urgency. It’s felt in repair, not reassurance. It doesn’t collapse when effort is no longer one-sided.

Shifting out of over-functioning starts with awareness, not discipline. The goal isn’t to become colder or more guarded. It is to stay present with what’s actually happening instead of negotiating against it.

That looks like slowing down instead of filling the silence. Letting space exist long enough to gather information. Noticing whether effort is mutual or just familiar. Paying attention to how your body feels after interactions, not just how attached you are to the outcome.

It also means practicing restraint when the impulse to overgive shows up. Not as punishment. As self-respect. Choosing to match effort and reality instead of compensating for its absence. Allowing someone’s behavior to speak for itself without editing it into something more hopeful.

Over time, something steadies. The nervous system learns that connection doesn’t need to be chased. Worth doesn’t need to be proven. Presence doesn’t need to be performed. And disappointment, while uncomfortable, is survivable.

🎙️ New Episode: Stop Working for Love That Isn’t Choosing You

This week’s episode breaks down a hard truth many people avoid. When someone starts pulling away, giving more does not bring them closer. It disconnects you from yourself.

What looks like devotion on the surface often runs on fear underneath. The nervous system panics at emotional distance and switches into overdrive. More explaining, caretaking, and trying. And less dignity.

🎧 Listen to the full episode here.

As healing continues, the question stops being about proving your worth and starts being about protecting it…

Instead of asking, “How do I make them choose me?” Try asking, “What am I choosing when I keep working this hard for someone who hasn’t met me here?”

That question doesn’t demand an immediate answer. It simply brings you back into alignment with yourself. And from there, choice becomes mutual or it becomes obvious.

Either way, you stop abandoning yourself to keep something alive that was never sustained by effort alone.

See you next Saturday ❤️

Suttida

P.S. I get asked some version of this question all the time: “How do I even start healing?” That question is exactly why I created the 4-week deep dive workbook. It’s a place to begin when you’re ready to stop circling the work and start meeting yourself with intention. Over 100 of you have already said yes to it, and if healing and growth are calling your attention right now, this is a grounded place to start. Get your copy. 📖