Your Good Intentions Don't Mean Sh*t

You can be a good person and still f*ck someone up. Those two things can be true at the same time. Most people can't hold that. Their entire sense of self is built on being the kind of person who doesn't hurt people, so when someone says "you hurt me," it feels like an existential threat.

The brain hears it as an accusation, not a report. And instead of responding to the hurt, they respond to the perceived accusation. They defend. They reframe. They redirect.

But the person who got hurt doesn't need a defense. They need acknowledgement. They need to know that what happened to them matters more than whether it was intended. They need to hear that the relationship is strong enough to hold the truth.

When you make your intention the focus, you're asking the other person to dismiss their own experience so you can feel better about yourself. You're saying: your pain is less important than my self-image. And over time, that teaches people that bringing their hurt to you is not safe.

They stop doing it. The relationship becomes shallow. Pleasant, maybe. But shallow. Because depth requires the ability to sit with the fact that you caused harm without making it about whether you meant to.

Taking Accountability for Your Impact

Real accountability doesn't come with a "but." It doesn't require the other person to understand your side before you acknowledge theirs. It doesn't make their hurt conditional on whether you think it's reasonable.

It sounds like: "I didn't see it that way, but I hear you. That must have felt awful. I'm sorry." 

And then you stop talking. You don't follow it up with an explanation of what you actually meant or a reminder of all the times you didn't hurt them or a list of the ways they've hurt you.

You just let it sit. You let the apology do its job without diluting it. That's harder than it sounds. Because sitting with the fact that you hurt someone (even accidentally, even unintentionally) feels terrible. Your brain wants to fix it immediately. It wants to explain it away. It wants to make sure everyone knows you're still a good person.

But the fix isn't in the explanation. The fix is in the acknowledgment. When someone feels truly heard, the hurt starts to lose its grip. When they have to fight to be heard, it calcifies, and turns into resentment.

🎙️ Your Good Intentions Don't Mean Sh*t

In this week's episode, I'm talking about what happens when you bring a real hurt to someone and somehow end up spending the next forty minutes managing their feelings instead of getting heard. 

If this newsletter hits home, the episode will take you deeper. Give it a listen 🎧

How to Break the Pattern

The next time someone tells you that you hurt them, notice the heat that rises in your chest. That's your ego trying to protect itself. Catch it before it takes over.

Your intentions matter, but not in that moment. Once repair starts, once they feel heard, then you can talk about what you meant or what was happening for you. But leading with your intentions when someone is hurting is just asking them to take care of you instead of letting you take care of them.

The discomfort of not defending yourself immediately is the work. Sitting in it without making it about you is how you prove the relationship can hold the truth.

See you next Saturday ❤️

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